#58

My head is killing me. I know exactly why it is hurting, but that doesn't help lessen the pain. I really just want to crawl into a dark hole and stay there until this pounding ceases. Oh wait, I have two kids and a husband that won't allow that.

The reason for the headache is emotions. I think I should just get rid of them altogether. I am so tired of being hurt and upset and infuriated and all those negative things.

This morning, I asked a girl I know how she was doing. Her husband had been home for a couple months, and I know the adjustments can be hard. Well, she essentially told me I had no idea what she was going through because my husband's deployment was not a combat deployment. Really? So that means I have no idea what it is like for the wife of a combat soldier? Because last time I checked, I have been around combat soldiers and their wives since 2003. And my husband may not have combat experience. But I bet your husband doesn't have any experience near hazardous materials. So do not judge me, lady. And do not apologize five minutes later to ease your conscience. Because your apology was so condescending and really made me want to punch you in the freaking face. Oh yeah, and all this happened in the Chapel during PWOC.

The rest of PWOC I couldn't get the whole conversation out of my head. I was steaming inside. And I think that effected how I saw the rest of my interactions for the morning. I felt like every time I had an opinion about our readings, everyone else felt I was wrong. I am sure it wasn't that way. And I sincerely love the women in my group. But all the logic in the world couldn't change my emotions then. Needless to say, by the time my husband got in the car at lunchtime, I was ready to explode. Poor guy made the mistake of asking how my morning went...

I am just tired of people getting their idea of who and what I am. I am not some little girl that doesn't know about life. I am not the chipper white girl, nor am I the scholarly sophisticated woman. I am the chick that grew up in the ghettos and learned that life isn't fair before I should have. I have been a wife of a soldier for 6 years now, and I have been immersed in the Army lifestyle for the last 7 years. I am a mother and a dog lover. I am a practicing Catholic and a total sinner.

I am more things, and less things. But I am willing to bet that I am not the girl you always thought I was. So stop judging me.