#233

Today was one of those days, where I just felt like I was going to lose it. My mind, my patience, my sense of self. And I did, a little. But I think I have gotten it back. A little.

Wow, don't I sound all moody and melodramatic! Sorry. Just one of those days.

I am really struggling with the mom thing. Being a mom, a good mom, seems so much harder than I thought it would be. I blame it on 1950's sitcoms. Damn you, June Cleaver and your perfect hair and your pearls and your easy Mom nature. Damn you.

Because for me, being a mom has not been a walk down the perfectly stocked grocery store aisle. For me, being a mom has been exhaustion and confusion, doubts and terrors, and anger and frustration. With a ton of love and good feelings thrown in. But lots of the yucky things. I love my chicks like there is no tomorrow, but I find myself failing as a mom- about a million times a day.

I think part of the problem might be that I never saw myself as a mom. I never planned to be a nurturing, carpooling, cardigan wearing mom. I thought I would just be the cool aunt. So, two and a half years later, I am still trying to think of myself when the M word is thrown around. It is still weird.

Good weird. Because I love to be called Mom, and Momma, and Mommy. I love that I get to see myself in these little people. I love that I get to be the adult that will teach them and embarrass them, all at the same time.

But it doesn't change the fact that it is hard. And it is work. And there are days that I just don't quite get it right.